Monday, September 3, 2012

Sincerely, Me

Last year, I began to write what I thought could be a book of 365 one-page suicide letters from one girl. I can't remember what I named the girl. Anyway, here was my first letter.
I would, of course, create a preface or introduction to set the stage for the book. Her name, i can't think of. Her parents are Paul and Dora. 
You will never know what she looks like.
 Daniel is her crush, Maggie is her best friend. 
This book would start her as a Freshman. 
In the 365 days, we would see her problems grow and grow from her parents grounding her, to her beginning to date a sexually abusive guy and a death in her friend circle. 
The 365th day would be a mystery as to what she ends up doing. 
Because "I know I've said it before but this time..." 
So its a girl who cried suicide. 
What way does that twist you? 
This entry is harmless though, so don't be afraid to read and enjoy or not enjoy, if my writing really sucks. 


Dear Loved Ones,

            Throughout the years, I have much appreciated all of your “support” and your “pushyness.” But Mom, Dad, you pushed me a little too far. First semester is really hard. You don’t understand what its like to be a teenager, hence, look what you did. Yes I said what you did! You didn’t believe me. You never EVER believe me. Like that one time that Garrett (yes he was 18, by the way) took me out and we stayed a little past 11, even though I told you where I was going, I was still grounded for 6 weeks. Yes, 6 weeks. I counted. It WASN’T 2… like you said, dad.  In fact, I am DISGRACED to even say dad anymore. So I’m sorry Paul and Dora, but this is what it comes down to. It feels weird writing to you all in past tense, because, well, I don’t know. It just is. This is my only way out. It feels like it.
            Maggie, we’ve known each other since diapers. I love you much, but you also had a part in this. Youre so much “better” than I am. Skinnier, prettier, you always get the guys… maybe that’s what I disliked about you all the time. Guess you also didn’t know that this was what it would come down to. Whatever, if I don’t have a will, this will be it. You get my stuff. I honestly don’t care what you do with it. Not like indie clothes are your “style” anyway. And my basketball jersey's? Yeah, just throw them away. I really don’t give a damn about them. Or about my coach.  
          Goodbye high school. Goodbye sweet 16…. Goodbye to my first love which I never met. No, Anthony doesn’t count.  We dated for like, 2 months… I didn’t love him, I thought I loved him. But he never even kissed me. So it definitely wasn’t love. And Maggie? Tell everyone what I thought of them if they ask. Everything I thought. Yes, even tell Gabi she’s a slut.
            And God. What is this. Why the hell does life have to be so hard? I have been trying to pray to you and you never EVER hear me. Maybe you’re wearing ear plugs or something. This isn’t about the iPhone I prayed for, or the boys I’ve asked you to work your magic on, or the flab in my thighs when I run, but let me just say, anything. I didn’t get any of it. So how the hell do I know you're even real?
            Daniel. I secretly am crushing on you, was, until you found out from Gabi. She only said that I obsess about you because she likes you too. It’s not fair. We could’ve had it all, Daniel. We both like sports, we both like nail polish (haha remember that?) and man oh man, neither of us drink.
            HEAR THAT PAUL AND DORA. I DON’T DRINK. I NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL SO PLEASE STOP TORTURING ME ABOUT IT. MAYBE I WOULD IF YOU WOULDN’T BE ASSHOLES ALL THE TIME. 
Drink away my pain with a bottle of scotch. I know I seem happy, but I’m not. This is it. This was the last of what I had to say. I might miss you all, but I’m so bitter that maybe I wont. I hope you burn. Almost all of you. No, really, I love you all. No wait, I don’t. I don’t even know how I feel right now. It’s a mix of emotions… Goodnight… Forever…

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